Going through some paper piles yesterday, I came across the notes that my husband, Kevin, made before he had his first talk with Paul, our daughter's boyfriend.
Hastily scribbled, in pencil, on scratch paper from his work truck, he had written down his thoughts. Thoughts that spoke of his love and hopes for his children. Thoughts that made me cry a little bit. Thoughts that reminded me that I needed to get back here and tell the rest of the story that I started so long ago!
It was time for the talk.
Calling it "the talk" makes it sound like a lecture, but it was actually a conversation. You see, Paul hasn't ever known his dad. Although he has had very good parenting from his grandparents, it has been obvious from the beginning that he really likes, looks up to, and respects Kevin. So Kevin wanted this to be a positive time that the young man could take with him not only while dating our daughter, but also into his future. Besides, truth be told, he really wants to get a look inside the mind and heart of any young man who will be spending time alone with one of his girls and he knew that he couldn't do that by lecturing.
However, you will just have to take my word for it that it was a two-sided conversation, because I'm not going to share what Paul said. Most importantly, I don't have permission to do so. Secondly, I wasn't there!
According to my husband's notes he had four main points.
The first one simply says, without other explanation, "protect her." So sweet. Keeping his children safe and well is such a top priority for that man. I was pretty sure I knew what he meant, but asked anyway. He said that they talked about the fact that if Paul was out with our daughter we expected him to do the best that he could to keep her safe from any kind of outside harm, to keep her out of bad situations, to be careful. Kevin even asked Paul if he struggled with road rage and exhorted him to drive carefully. (I thought that was interesting considering the fact that some of our biggest arguments have come because of how angry my husband gets with "stupid" drivers! Hmmmm - maybe he does recognize this flaw in himself....very good to know...)
Kevin said that this was the easiest part of the conversation. You see, we had already figured out that if Paul had been on the Titanic that he would definitely *not* have been one of those guys trying to sneak onto the boats for the women and children. He is an old-fashioned gentlemanly boy who opens doors and relishes the thought of his future role as the strong protector/provider.
The second line in my husband's notes says, "exercise self control." There were bunches of sub-points on this one! Basically, this is exactly what you would expect the father of the daughter to be discussing with the suitor. We have told both of them that we weren't going to try to dictate exactly what their physical boundaries should be, but that we do expect them to set strict boundaries, to set them before they needed them, and to not cross the lines once the decision was made. Emily certainly knows where we stand on the issue. Paul knows where his Christian grandparents stand and he knows that we are in agreement with them. Now it's up to the two young people to make wise choices. It was made clear that we hold *both* of them responsible for maintaining the lines.
I know that Kevin's goal was to really try to get to hear Paul's heart on this matter. They discussed many, many things - not just the typical reasons for abstinence such as unwanted pregnancy, and disease, but the spiritual reasons, and the long term and potentially devastating emotional ramifications of tying yourself too closely physically with someone before marriage.
The third main item on the page of notes was, "protect her heart." Wow. I was so glad that they discussed this. This part of the conversation was about being careful not to jump into the relationship too quickly. To really try to get to know each other as friends before they start making commitments or professing love. Paul agreed that he had seen too many people his age taking love too lightly, using words that had no real weight behind them. We were so glad to hear this! Kevin also asked Paul to always to be completely honest with Em - to not lead her on, or play games, or mess around with her emotions. Basically to be as careful with this aspect of the relationship as we expect them to be with the physical part.
It is my opinion that there is so much emphasis on the "purity" of a relationship that this emotional aspect is often overlooked. The truth is that young people fall in love and when they do they fall hard. There is nothing we can do to keep it from happening, but maybe, just maybe we can help them to stop and think before they leap - even if just for a moment, even if just a little.
The last thing on the list made me laugh. It said, "this won't be the last that you will hear from me." This just meant that if they continue to date, Kevin will continue to check in with Paul from time to time. To get to know him better, and to continue to try to impart a little wisdom.
With teenagers you don't really know if things are going in one ear and out the other, but Kevin felt that everything went very well.
Emily told me later that she had asked Paul what her dad had said and all he would tell her was that they had had a good conversation.
I know that someone will ask and yes, I've talked with Emily about *all* of this. We've had many serious talks and I'm always finding ways to interject something that I think is important into our every day conversation. She laughs and says, "oh no - another teachable moment coming." I always respond, "that's my job - baby - that's my job."
Our hope and prayer is that we can help these two navigate the wild and turbulent waters of teenage romance and that they will come through it relatively unscathed. We don't really know what we are doing. This method may not work. It might even backfire. But it's what we are trying in our typically muddled, a little off center, parenting style.
Hope it gives you some food for thought.
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